When I was pregnant with Aditi, I used to think how will I love my baby (it was an unthinkable concept for me). But I loved her so much. Not at first sight and all but gradually as she grew.
When I was preg for the second time, I thought how can I love 2 individuals same unconditionally and uniquely. But that also has happened. The biggest joy these days is to see Nidhi smile and laugh. And to plant a puppy on those tender cheeks :))))
Today as I was meditating, I had a very different experience: it was the same feeling of love when I carry my tender baby Nidhi and plant puppies. 💕
What a full circle life has come to!
Once upon a time I was this haughty, self absorbed, single-child brought up with a heavy dose of pamper.
Somehow I never got to be around kids much and as such I never developed a love for them. To be frank, it was slightly more than that. Err, I was super irritated with noisy kids. 🤦. My friends still recollect my interactions with young kids/babies - as if I was policing them!
When I met V in Mysore after our families had confirmed our marriage, he once dropped a casual statement: something about our children (notice the plurality) and school and something.😡
We were not even engaged yet and this dude was speaking about the most pricky(hated) subject! I called Ma'am (Raji) crying. She as usual empathised with me and issued a statement that a boy should not speak about *that* at *this* stage.
After marriage, I successfully avoided the topic. Ok, not successfully. Ok it was a rather haughty reaction whenever MIL would bring up the 'c' word. I mean, how long would I survive this onslaught, I kept wondering. I had hoped V would understand my aversion. Instead he had thought I was just feigning it cuz he couldn't think of anyone who didn't want kids! 😖
And then came the day. Sigh.
We went to meet Gurudev: it was MIL's birthday appointment. I had hoped to ask Him 'what next for me?' in the context of career.
After blessing MIL, Gurudev turned to V and me and said: "oh you want to start a family? Start start".
I was like: where did that come from? What the heck!
I came out fuming and couldn't control my emotions. I started shouting at everyone, did not pose for photos, made a big fuss and went home. V went to Mysuru.
G gave me a week to prepare myself mentally. I kept telling V that whole weak, 'come man, we have to produce babies'. #Duh.
The moment I conceived , I knew it. I had an extraterrestrial experience: Devi Chamundi was in front of me. A very vivid presence inside my closed eyes for a few moments. I had never experienced anything like that before. It was deep. I knew the Devi was coming. When Aditi was born, I sent a message to Gurudev that Chamundi Devi has arrived. He replied : congratulations and blessings. :-)
When I first saw Aditi at the delivery table, I said: "oh Devi!". As the baby grew and started recognising me, a barrier inside me broke: I loved cuddling the teeny tiny baby. I was overwhelmed by the vulnerability of my small extension. The baby was so dependent on me for everything: I felt so responsible and caring and fiercely protective. It slowly transformed into love. A unique selfless love. I wanted to give the entire world's happiness to the small one (failing to realize that it was happy in itself).
For the first few days/weeks/months even, I used to say "that baby". And then slowly came around to say "nann magalu/my daughter". It felt strange to say it.
Every single day of Aditi growing up was a learning for me cuz I had not seen a baby growing up. As with all mothers, I wanted to give her the best. I became member of different mommy support groups. I read everything I could about parenting and children. I particularly thank my AOL Mommies for inspiring and guiding me to bring up the children in the most holistic, natural, ayurvedic way, by returning to the roots.
At some corner of my mind I had analysed the situation: neither V nor me have siblings. Will Aditi grow up without siblings or even first cousins? Wouldn't that be harsh?
And perhaps for the first time in my life, my sankalpa was in sync with that of the Lord ! It was mom's birthday. We all had gone to Gurukul for Ayush homa. Dad also came. When G came, He acknowledged dad. Aditi wanted to strike a conversation with G (she was still not talking). She showed her dress to G.
Gurudev said: "Ohhoooo ninna dress nintara eshtu muddagide. Ninge atadakke thamma no thangi no bekalva?" (Ohhhooo your dress is as cute as you. You want a younger brother or sister to play with you, right?) ... He then looked at me (trying to control his laughter), says loudly (everybody there heard it): "plan maadu". I laughed nervously and nodded.
There. My fate was sealed.
V and me went to Goa, then took panchakarma treatment and went on a malnad road trip which turned into an unbelievable divine teerth-yatra before I conceived. Planned well enough?
As the date of delivery approached, there was a lot of confusion about when and how the baby should pop. The delivery is a great example of Guru's miracle and blessings.
It was Sharad Poornima. But unfortunately Sunday. The gynaec was not happy but nevertheless agreed to co-operate .
The pain was induced by one crystal-sujok-healer who had learnt it from Chayanna. The pain of the crystal was higher than that of contractions. After nearly 2 hours of writhing in that pain, i started having mild contractions. The gynaec had come and put a tent in my room and wanted to see if that crystal can pop the baby before her 5pm deadline. She kept putting pressure on the healer. He was getting mighty irritated with her. At one point she lost her patience and announced that she would give me IV for increasing contractions. I didn't like it but gave in. I was wheeled in to that dreaded pre-labour. The contractions again took a toll on me. I was yelling for the epidural and gave a mild reprimand to that doctor for taking so long to come. Finally after hours and hours of writhing in pain, I was in peace, thanks to the epidural. I was in the OT. The gynaec had added to my misery by doing multiple checks and trying to pull the baby's head down. That was the most painful part of the entire thing. I finally blurted out to her- why did you want an early delivery if the baby's head was not down?
After the epidural peace, the doctor came checking and started panicking because baby's heartbeat was fluctuating. I was also watching it. She called someone to keep a constant note of the heartbeat and got dressed for OT. She said, we have to do c-section and remove, I don't have a choice. There was panic in the OT. Everyone running around. They put oxygen mask on me. I called MIL and updated her.
And then I did it. The only thing left to do - Take a selfie!!!! LOL
Because I knew I wouldn't be in OT with an oxygen mask again ! Lol. There was calmness amidst the chaos. I knew G would take care.
The duty doctor also came barging in for support. She takes a look at my dilation and tells the main gynaec that I am dilated 7cms and more and she can't possibly take me to the other OT for operation! I thought, wow. And then it happened! The baby's head suddenly came down even as the duty Doctor was telling the gynaec about 7cms. And with minimal effort (thanks to all the ayurvedic basti I had taken for the past 3 days) the baby popped in just a few mins!
Now, a little bit about this duty Doctor who saved my life. She is a family friend who had joined the hospital just 3 days back! (She had taken a break of 2 years and fought her cancer out)! What a coincidence! If not for her, God knows what all complications because the baby popped just 10 mins after her check!
I called V and said "I popped!" He was shocked - how when where? G was doing everything!
Aditi behaved weird for those 3 days that I was in hospital. Can't blame her. Once back home, I was giving her maximum time and attention.
Back in the days of yore (before the Anantha Samsara happened), I would stretch and tumble all over my queen size bed. That freedom was symbolic. A few weeks after N was born, I was sleeping on the same bed like 'Christ the Redeemer' with the kids on either side - Scared if I might just roll over on them. But I knew I would not because of motherly instinct. That moment was revealing. The new me was so different. Sacrifice had brought about meaning to life.
As Gurudev says:
When we finish our journey on this planet, only 2 questions are asked:
1. How much knowledge have you gained?
2. How much love have you given?
I conclude with the conspiracy of the century:
Gurudev made these 2 munchkins so loveable , so beautiful , so sweet , so cute that I couldn't help but love them !
At the holy feet of the Guru who's taking care of every moment of this life.
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